today was my mom's birthday. we didn't do anything exciting, but it's only 5 pm so i don't know what might happen. my dad said my older brother might come over, which if he does i'll probably just hide in my room or try to ignore him the whole time. it's not like he doesn't deserve it. i might talk to *** though, she's nice to me. although i suspect she's just doing it out of courtesy, i think she's making fun of me with ****** behind my back. i'm upset though, because my plan was to binge a bunch of food and throw it all up, which kinda gets soiled if they're here. i might not eat at all, just to prove some petty little point. i hope they don't ask me to smoke with them though, because it makes me uncomfortable, and i like smoking alone since they're kind of annoying. anyways, i think i want to break up with ****. all he does is talk about stuff he likes and then tell me the stuff i like is stupid. whatever, it's not like i'm gonna get any better than him. maybe i should just put up with it until my birthday or something, and that'll be my sick little present. he annoys me though, so i don't know how long i can actually do that. its kinda funny to mess with him though, even if i'm not good at it. maybe i should just block him again, since last time he didn't freak out or anything. maybe that's the only way he'll shut up honestly. i think ******'s calling mom now, i hope they're calling to cancel. nevermind, it wasn't him. i still hope they cancel, today's been stressful. i was gonna go to sleep about 20 minutes after i got out of school, but i guess i threw up so hard i woke myself up, which sucks, because that could of been a good excuse to avoid them. my mom keeps looking at my cuts, i guess they're really noticable since i cut yesterday, but she doesn't have to look at me like they're disgusting or like she pities me. its infuriating. id rather her just ignore alltogether, since all she's really doing is judging me and trying to make me feel bad about it. she's annoying, but she's probably the most tolerable person in this house. i like to make dad think he is, since he's nicer, but i disagree with him more than her. she just annoys me more. like today, my algebra teacher keeps fucking pestering me about my camera being on, which is never gonna happen, and i even let her know im there by typing in the chat everytime she calls my name. i guess thats not enough to be marked present though, since i was marked absent. i dont want to deal with that at all, and im probably gonna ignore it because its funny to see her get so mad about a camera. today was a little fun, though/ i talked to a bunch of people in a server i joined, and even if it was about stupid ships, a lot of people agreed with me, which made me feel good. i'm getting hungry, so i'm gonna go smoke, and waste time until dinner. maybe make mom watch a couple of videos. i dont know.
i dont even know where to begin so i guess ill just start with what's most bothering me. i keep eating and throwing it up, and i know its not good for me but everytime i dont i get really hot and sweaty and tired and i feel better after i throw up so. i know its not good for me and i dont want to elaborate because im a little scared. anyways, aside from that, i've been thinking about how annoying everyone is. **** especially, i dont even want to talk to him at all anymore. maybe i should cheat on him or something to see how it feels. i wouldnt, but its nice to think about. he just gets on my nerves, every single thing i say it seems like we disagree and its like why cant he just lie and pretend he does so we dont have to have stupid fucking arguments. its like talking to a toddler sometimes i swear, his argument for so many things is "because its fucking stupid" or just be stubborn for like 20 hours until he just changes the subject. he can find some other bitch to do that shit to, im over it. all he talks about is ******* too and i mean dude i get you miss her but i dont fucking care about her obviously. its not even venting, just "oh i remember what ******* sent me" or " i remember when me and ******* did this" like i swear i just want to punch him in the teeth sometimes. i should breakup with him right now, itd be funny to see him so confused. whatever, im gonna go puke all of this food up and go to sleep, i wanted to go to bed like 12 hours ago but whatever i guess.
two entries in a row, wow. i dont know what they want me to do. im not turning my camera on, its fucking stupid to even ask that of me, who fucking cares about my fucking camera. if your stupid ass cant even notice that i joined the fucking class for 20 minutes then who cares if my fucking camera is off. i swear to god no im not going to make an exception for your stupid ass class (WHICH I ALREADY FUCKING PASSED BY THE WAY, THEY PLACED ME INTO THE SAME CLASS BY FUCKING ACCIDENT), i dont turn my camera on for anyone else in this fucking school and its not going to change for your dumbass algebra class, fucking god. now theyre threatening to send me back to real school, which good fucking luck, because ill sooner beat the shit out of you guys before you force me to go back to that shithole full of the most annoying people ive ever met in my life. theyre all so stupid, i wouldnt be suprised if one of them got the bright idea to try to bring a gun to school like the retarded fucking parkland shooters. thats not a threat in case some braindead person wants to take this as one, im just saying stupid people shoot up schools, and im surrounded by them.
stupid people are scary, they get to have the most backwards fuckshit opinions and everyone just lets them because "its their opinion" yea i hope that opinion takes you far when a stupid person decides to do some fucked up shit and you get involved in it. ill be far away from them in the safety of my bedroom, thank you very much. god i was even reading the stupid shooters from columbines diary from the other day, and erics ideas were so close to being correct if some stupid people hadnt led him the wrong way. i mean, theres no way someone that smart could have had such a dumbass idea like shooting up a school to get the message across by himself. maybe he did, and thats just another retard worth forgetting.
and before anyone gets mad at me for using that word, your dumbass rules have declared that i can in fact, say faggot, retard, and nigger all i like because i can "reclaim" these words. yea, i can say a bunch of big words that the stupid people cant understand to justify saying certain words, but its funny to see people take nonsense words as fact. i mean, i can "reclaim these slurs because they have been used against members of my communities, such as the lgbt, black, and neurodivergent communities, for years to opress us. by taking those words back, it reverses the power of the word and allows us to take it back from our opressers" yea, how much of that did you actually understand, or did you just read it and decide that would be the most pc option and would rather take what i just said as fact because you just dont want to get off your stupid little ass and do the research. i mean, i could just be talking out of my ass for all you know.
anyways, back to eric, its easy to see how people can romanticize him and his "friendship" (like they werent both faggots) with dylan. the teenagers with made up god complexes really eat that shit up, teenage boys being stupid. and the fact that anyone wants to try to put the blame on anything else than his mental illness and the bullying is laughable, he was a stupid person with ocd who would rather spew the stupidest and most random lies than go and get help like the rest of us. who cares if we're all made into a robots, who fucking cares, if its really the land of the free than i can choose to be a fucking robot if i please. and all the anti semetic racist homophobic shit? edgiest white boy shit ive ever seen, yes eric, of course you really think the nazis really did the best job in terms of government. hes a fucking retard who got him and his friend killed. im not going to act like i dont feel any sympathy for him though, because i too am a retarded ass white boy suffering from ocd and people being shitheads. only difference between us is that the solution to my problem isnt to get up close and personal with the problem people, im distancing myself as far away from them as i can get. ill get money any way i can, maybe ill even use my brain for good and become a lawyer or doctor, i know by my ramblings i dont seem very smart, but i actually do really enjoy taking tests/ multiple choice questions. i dont know why, because worksheets make me want to rip my head off, but at least i have something in school i can get by on. i dont remember what i got on my psat a couple years ago, but i remember it was over 1100 which apparently was pretty good.its funny because i was high off my ass taking it, and i fell asleep during the math part. i got a shitty score on the math section which brought my score down a little, but i gave up on it and still got a little better than average so.maybe ill pretend im normal until i save up a bunch of money and finally leave all of these people behind.
GOD i wish there was another world or something i could go to thats not already infected by the retards of the world but oh well i guess i have to settle. whatever. WHATEVER. fuck all of you, honestly. the only sanity i have left is knowing id never kill anyone i guess. except pedophiles, if i could id tie them all up, and slowly torture them to death. i mean, could you imagine being attracted to little kids? sick, so fucking sick. you dont deserve to live if youve laid your hands on a child, you really really dont. you dont get to take away someones innocence for a few moments of fun without consequences, and the day of reckoning is coming for all the old men who have to live with the guilt 24/7, and think no one will ever deliver a punishment worse than that. if i could, i would kill one. i really would. if i could ever find the boys, and that disgusting vile fucking female, they would die. good thing i dont remember their names, for their sake. if i ever find those old men who stood on the side of the road and tried to lure me over, they're dead. without question. i have no sympathy for them, and thats saying a lot, since i have sympathy for most everyone in this world. anyways, ive gotten way off topic. i was extremely angry at the beginning of this but now im kinda over it, sorry for the long ass rant and all the cursing. one good thing today is i havent eaten or thrown up since like 4 am, so thats a plus. im glad i didnt have to do that nasty shit yet today.
oh ok. now i get it. people will ignore things until they can't anymore. you need to make them see. this is not a threat to anyone or anything, I'm just saying i understand.'
my parents tried to have a conversation with me, and since i didnt respond the way they wanted me to, they took my door off its hinges. so i went into the bathroom and started cutting myself, and then my mom started screaming at me and saying she was gonna send me back to the hospital, and since my dad heard he ran back upstairs to push me onto the couch for some reason, and i think he was gonna hit me if mom didnt get him to stop. my mom wouldnt get off of me, so i started screaming and she said she was gonna call the police. i begged them not to and they didnt, but now i have no door so. im drinking my moms tequila she got forher birthday, which i watered down heavily and i think shell notice. who cares. i dont know what to do anymore. im tired, i just want this to end. theyre not giving it back until sunday, which im just going to put it back when they're sleeping. i fucking hate them i fucking hate them i fucking hate them i fucking hate them i fucking hate them i fucking hate them i fucking hate them i fucking hate them i fucking hate them i fucking hate them i fucking hate them i fucking hate them i fucking hate them m